Humphrey says I've no choice but to resign.
I don't agree.
We can still pull the chestnuts out of the fire.
But maybe sir Humphrey's overreacting.
Maybe the country doesn't realise just how hopeless things are.
Thanks for those encouraging remarks, Bernard.
Shall we find out?
1 should be talking to the prime minister at chequers
trying to find out the answer to the question everyone is asking,
”how long can this government coalition lurch from one disaster to the next
”without dealing with the level of debt, the euro...”
shut up!
You try and do better! I'm only human.
Empfoymenz' figures and a whofe raft of manifest...
- Oh, it's so humid. - Yes, clammy.
Hope it rains.
If we could find a way to keep mr Aitikeev happy,
then Europe would get the loan from kumranistan
and all these problems would be solved.
The financial summit would be saved, Europe would be saved.
And I'd be a hero.
That means getting three call girls here for Aitikeev.
It's pretty late.
If we're gonna do that, we'd better get on with it.
Everything is further complicated by rumours
that the deputy prime minister, Rory McAlister,
the prime minister's junior coalition partner
who leads the Scottish mps at westminster,
is thinking of abandoning the sinking ship.
He's a rat. Why wouldn't he abandon the sinking ship?
It's not sinking. Well, not yet.
Thank goodness Rory mcaliste?S not here tonight as well.
Ah, prime minister, the deputy prime minister has arrived.
Rory McAlister! He's here? Why?
Well, he said he needed an urgent meeting with you.
It's in your diary.
At this hour?
Well, we had to postpone him because of the mr Aitikeev crisis.
God, that is all I need.
All right, show him into the white parlour.
Yes, prime minister.
- Do you know what he wants? - More money for Scotland.
And more power for the Scottish first minister.
- Rory, so good of you to come. - Jim. Jim, Jim.
And you know Claire, don't you? Head of the policy unit at number 10.
Ah! How are things going?
Well, isn't that for you to say?
Well, as far as I'm concerned, they're going very well.
Well, fairly well.
Well, as well as can be expected. We're... we're managing.
We're managing well.
But I must say, how grateful we are for your loyal support.
Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about, Jim.
Go ahead.
My colleagues are being, how shall I put this? A wee bit restive.
As in the natives are restless.
Yes, an appropriate colonialist expression.
Jim, you know you have my complete personal loyalty.
You know that, don't you?
Well, my colleagues are having problems with the coalition agreement.
You said you were happy with it.
Well, I am, as an agreement.
But it included a lot of undertakings which I see no sign...
Which my colleagues see no sign of... Of being fulfilled.
Rory, these are early days,
and we're in the middle of a massive financial crisis.
We have to deal with first things first. Surely you can see that?
Well, I can see that, of course. But, my colleagues don't see it the same way.
They're beginning to wonder about the coalition.
You need it as much as we do.
Oh, I'm not talking... my colleagues aren't talking, about, uh...
About leaving the coalition.
Well, that's all right then.
They're just wondering if it has the right leadership.
What?
Oh, no reflection on you personally, Jim. No, no, no, no.
It's just that, um, my colleagues all agree you're doing a fine job.
Just some of them think that, maybe with a different leader,
we might stand a better chance of getting the agreements implemented.
Have you been put up to this by your opportunist boss in Edinburgh?
Certainly not.
Then what makes them think that?
Well, I understand they've had certain conversations with certain people.
Are you certain?
Absolutely certain.
That wouldn't be because you are that certain person,
who's had these certain conversations with a certain chancellor
or a certain foreign secretary.
Certainly not.
I'm very loyal.
My colleagues tell me they've had certain indications from certain people
that, in certain circumstances,
it might be possible to have certain concessions met.
Let's be straight about this.
You've been conspiring with the foreign secretary
or the chancellor to get rid of me and replace me with one of them.
No, no. It's just, uh...
Well, certain people have had certain discussions about certain possibilities.
Treacherous bastards.
Not you, mr McAlister.
The prime minister was referring to the other treacherous bastards.
Your colleagues are absolutely loyal to you, Jim.
What's been suggested?
Well, certain people have said to me... Said to my colleagues
that they have, uh...
They have no interest whatever in taking your job.
But...
That if they were persuaded, it was in the best interest of the country
to take on the heavy burden which you are currently carrying,
and carrying so gallantly,
then, however deep their personal reservations and reluctance might be,
they might feel obliged to...
Well, override their private misgivings and accept the onerous responsibility
in the widest interests of the nation.
Which nation?
Our nation.
Well, you can tell both his colleagues that they are not getting his job.
Certain people have found quite a lot of members
who'd be prepared to support them, if necessary.
Mind you...
Mind you,
there's a way you can make yourself invulnerable.
- Oh, yes? - Mm-hmm.
Jim, Scotland is a proud and unique nation.
For 300 years, we've been occupied,
labouring under the English yoke.
Subdued, suppressed, subjected to an alien government.
Alien! Are you referring to me as an alien?
We'd better send you to the immigration detention centre
at Harmondsworth, prime minister.
All the important decisions that affect us are taken in London.
Have you any idea what that feels like?
Of course I have. All the important decisions that affect us
are taken in brussels.
Jim, it's time to set the people of Scotland free.
Oh, they are free.
As free as anyone else in the uk.
Independence.
Anyone who offered us that would be guaranteed
the loyal, the undying support of my colleagues
and the entire Scottish nation.
Rory, I entirely agree with you about the Scottish nation. Great people.
Some of my best friends are Scottish.
But, independence. I'm sure its time will come.
But if any of my loyal cabinet colleagues are offering it to you,
they're lying-
well, there is a halfway house, you know, Jim.
Well, you've got that already. Your own parliament.
That's just a glorified borough council.
Dear me.
No, we pay all our taxes to you. You take your big cut off them.
Then you parcel our share into tiny little bits
and tell us what we are to spend it on.
Like pocket money for kids.
That's how government works. That's what it does.
Government is about taking money from the people and spending it.
We do exactly the same to the English.
But we want our taxes to go to Edinburgh, not London.
We'd pass some of the revenue on to you
for central government expenditure, of course.
But the rest. The rest would be Scottish people spending Scottish money,
in Scotland on Scottish communities for Scottish needs.
What could be wrong with that?
Urn...
They're going to hold a referendum next year.
I haven't agreed to that.
Well, this is a Scottish matter for the scots to vote on.
It's none of your business.
It's up to us to decide whether we want to stay in the United Kingdom.
The future of Scotland is a matter for the Scottish people alone.
Prime minister, wait a minute.
Rory, I need to think about this for a moment.
- I'm going to... - Take some soundings.
Soundings.
Why would Humphrey want to help us? He won't care if they dumped me.
He'll care about the breakup of the union.
And if he doesn't?
He'll care when you tell him what Rory just said.
That the first thing they'll do after they dump you is dump him.
Rory didn't...
Oh!
Good idea.
Do you think the government's really in danger, sir Humphrey?
Of course not, Bernard.
Well, things are looking pretty grim for the pm. He's very worried.
The prime minister may be in trouble.
The coalition may be in trouble, but the government's not in trouble.
- But the coalition is the government. - No, Bernard, we are the government.
- Yes, I know. - Bernard, the prime minister
is our head of public relations.
That's what the job actually is.
You're saying that politicians are really just useless puppets?
No, Bernard, they are vitally important puppets!
Ah, good meeting, prime minister?
Oh, not a good meeting, prime minister?
Do you know what he wants?
All of Scotland's resources to go to Scotland.
Tax revenue to Edinburgh, not London.
And if I won't agree, they'll kick me out
and replace me with the foreign secretary or the chancellor.
Oh, that would be a tragedy.
And not just for me, for britain.
Yes, indeed it would, prime minister, but we cannot give in on taxation.
That would be the first step on a very slippery slope.
I think perhaps you better tell him, prime minister.
Tell me? What?
McAlister says they'll be getting rid of you, too, Humphrey.
It's their first priority.
I said, I'd take soundings and get back to him.
So, go ahead. Sound.
Oh.
- He wants independence for Scotland? - He does.
Give it to him.
So, keeping your job is more important
than holding the United Kingdom together?
That is very droll, dear lady. No.
No, it's just that the balance of advantages and disadvantages
of certain constitutional arrangements can become so unfavourable
to the major entity as opposed to the minor or peripheral ethnicity,
that a judicious, well, integration of possible disembarkation of the relations
should be pre-emptively instigated by the former
rather than attempting the perpetuation of a relationship which is inherently,
and indeed, incontrovertibly prejudicial,
both to our own personal political interest and economic prospects.
- Bernard? - Sir Humphrey's fed up with the scots.
What I don't get is, why do so many scots resent the English?
Oh, prime minister.
Resentment of the English is the only thing that holds Scotland together.
Otherwise they'd be at each other's throats.
You know, before the active union, the highlands fought the lowlands,
catholics fought calvinists, dissenters fought anglicans,
Campbells fought McDonalds, and now rangers fans fight Celtic fans.
They just never stop.
But you think I should offer him independence, just like that?
It'll scare the pants off him.
Bernard, have you got that report?
Oh, yes, sir Humphrey.
He wants a referendum. Should he be allowed to have one?
Well, we never gave the Irish a referendum
when we gave them independence.
We didn't give independence to the whole of Ireland.
If only we had.
It would have saved so much trouble.
The economics of Scottish independence report, prime minister.
- Mm-hmm. - Now that, prime minister, is not
for scotsmen of a nervous disposition.
Sorry to keep you waiting, Rory.
I think you'll find it was worth the wait.
I think you'll be very happy with my decision.
Oh, aye?
Yes, time to set the Scottish people free, you said.
And you know, I think you're right.
Full independence.
Yes, when the time is right.
Oh, the time is now. Seize the day.
I think we can get it through this parliament.
Have you thought what you'll do afterwards?
I'm sorry?
Well, obviously you won't have a seat at westminster.
You'll be from a foreign country.
But I'm sure you'll find something.
Will Scotland join the eu?
We're already in the eu, Jim.
No, we are.
You won't be when you leave the uk. You'll have to apply for membership,
which would mean, of course, joining the euro.
But you won't mind that, will you?
No, it's the economics that look like being a bit of a problem for you.
You'll lose the 10 billion subsidy which whitehall hands you every year.
Plus another 10 to 20 billion of Scottish costs which we pay directly.
We're not worried.
We'll have north sea oil to ourselves.
You've been siphoning off all the revenues for years.
No, no, it's Scottish oil and once we get our full share,
we won't have any economic problems.
Well, actually, it's British oil.
Our international lawyers say,
that, as Scotland comprises eight percent of the uk population,
she'll be entitled to eight percent of future oil revenues.
Eight percent?
And then there's Scotland's share of the national debt.
National debt?
Oh, yes, yes. It stands at 1.1 trillion.
So, Scotland's eight percent would be 88 billion.
No, the...
The treasury say that the new, independent Scotland
would start life with a debt of getting on for 200 billion pounds.
Plus another 187 billion pounds
of toxic assets from the royal bank of Scotland,
which are also yours.
You don't think I'm buying this nonsense, do you?
It's just simple arithmetic.
And if you put taxes up, all the big companies will move to england,
so your revenue goes down and your debts go up.
Independence is what we want. There's no compromise on that, Jim.
Oh, absolutely not.
But, but, in our referendum, we'll be proposing two alternatives.
- Uh-huh. - Independence now,
or a sort of a halfway house. Getting there...
Getting there gradually. After all, present circumstances,
things being the way things are, and all the...
All the considerations to be, well, considered.
It might be wise to...
To just, to take a wee bit of a, you know, a breather before we...
Well, you can propose as many alternatives as you like
in your referendum.
We will propose only one option in ours.
- In your what? - In our referendum.
The uk referendum. We deserve a vote, too.
On whether we want to keep subsidising the scots
who are always complaining about being occupied.
The rest of the uk doesn't see why there should be 70 scots mps
at westminster voting on uk affairs.
And there are no English, Irish or welsh mps in the Scottish parliament,
which we pay for.
And they don't see why the students in Scotland
should get free university education, but English students don't.
Even if they go to a Scottish university,
which the English are paying for anyway.
They don't see why they should pay prescription charges,
but the scots don't.
No, I have no doubt
that the uk will vote for full independence.
Now.
Leave the welsh and the Irish out of this, right?
They're struggling to overcome the legacy of English colonialism
in their own way.
The English don't care about Scotland, one way or the other.
That may be true.
What's also true is, when you gave us devolution, you gave us certain powers.
You don't like our choices, so now you're having a wee tantrum.
Threatening to go home and take your ball with you.
Our polls show there's a bigger margin of support for Scottish independence
in england than there is in Scotland.
Can the bank of england remain the lender of last resort
for Scottish banks?
On the other hand, we don't have to have our referendum
unless you have yours.
It's not necessary because I'm offering you full independence.
Right now.
Now? What do you mean? This minute, now?
Now?
Well, you're not turning it down, are you?
No! No.
No! Urn...
It's, it's, it's what we want, of course.
In the fullness of time, certainly,
these things have to be thought about.
Thought about. There's no reason in... In rushing in.
- But, I mean, when the... when the... - Time is ripe?
Time is ripe.
Yes, when the time is ripe.
So, you are turning it down.
Not exactly turning it down, no...
Because if it got out that you'd been offered independence and refused it...
Sometimes things like this can be difficult to keep under wraps.
But, you have my solemn promise
that not a word of this will ever get out as long as I'm prime minister.
Thank you, Jim.
Ah! How did it go, prime minister?
- I still have my job. - And I?
Yes, if we can solve this European debt crisis.
But we can't unless we get three shady ladies for mr Aitikeev.
Which means turning chequers into some sort of a high-class brothel.
That would hardly be new, Bernard. Chequers has seen lots of prostitution.
The only difference is, is that there would be people selling their bodies
instead of their souls.
I wonder what the Americans would do about this.
Shall we ask them?
- Not the white house. - How about the CIA?
I know somebody at the sharp end.
Yes, hi, it's Claire Sutton.
I'm fine, babe. How are you?
I'm at chequers actually.
Fine, but we have a problem
and I wondered if you had a view or any suggestions.
The conference here's been going fine till now, everyone's ready to agree.
Urn, but now, unfortunately, mr Aitikeev...
Yes, the little Kumranistani foreign minister.
He's demanding that we get three escorts tonight for him to have an orgy.
Yes, tricky.
Otherwise the whole euro zone might implode with disastrous consequences
for you as well as us. Any thoughts?
We don't have people who do that.
Do what?
I am leaving.
Get off that phone. Murdoch's people might have hacked it.
Any other thoughts?
I don't know, it's after 10:00 P.M. here,
and we don't keep a vicar on the premises.
- Now! - I've got to dash, the pm is calling me.
Call you later. Bye, bye.
Assassination, is that what he was suggesting?
I agree, it's not practical.
It's impractical and immoral.
We can't just go around murdering the leaders
of democratically-elected foreign governments.
But we have actually facilitated
the Americans in this kind of operation, I believe.
We've never done it ourselves.
Well, maybe. You know, maybe, maybe we should consider it.
- If it's what the people want. - Which people?
Our people, Bernard.
That's how democracy's defined. Giving the British people what they want.
But what about the people of kumranistan?
Are you saying British democracy trumps everyone else's?
Well, obviously.
But we can't assassinate him. It's wrong. It's unthinkable.
It's corrupt.
How would we do it, actually?
It's not practical. We don't have the people to do that sort of thing.
Are you sure?
No, but I'm sure we don't have them here tonight.
You mentioned something about a vicar.
He suggested getting some religious input.
Why do the yanks bring God into everything?
He's on their side, isn't he?
So what did he suggest?
Pray.
- Murder and prayer. - That's how they do things.
Aren't Americans odd?
Maybe it's not such a bad idea.
- What? - Prayer.
- You are kidding. - Why not?
Blair and bush used to pray.
And look where it got us.
Bernard!
No, no, wait. I need to think for a moment.
I've never had to ask God's advice about whether or not to supply
a trio of prostitutes before.
- He might be offended. - Not with you, surely?
Aitikeev is the sinner here.
Well, that's right.
And if God gives me the okay, then it can't be a sin.
If he says no, I won't do it. So I'm in the clear either way.
But I wouldn't use profane language to God, if I were you.
You know, like the f-word.
Don't actually say that Aitikeev wants to f three hookers.
Thank you for those helpful comments.
I'm just saying that it wouldn't be the norm, that's all.
Bernard, I imagine God knows all the four letter words in every language.
He's meant to be omniscient.
In which case, he would know about all this already.
In fact, he could be waiting to hear from me.
Then I shouldn't keep him waiting for too long, if I were you.
He's probably got a lot of other stuff to deal with.
Okay,
but I am the prime minister of
the United Kingdom of Great Britain and northern Ireland,
and one of the presidents of the European union.
I think he knows he has to find time for me when I need it.
Well, we'll see, won't we?
Come on, Claire. Come on. You, too.
Come on!
Oh, God,
our rock in ages past,
sorry I've been out of touch for a bit.
We're all down here at chequers,
as you know already, of course, being omniscient,
ready to sign a pipeline contract
which could save the eu from imploding.
And now out of the clear, blue sky,
mr Aitikeev has demanded
et cetera, et cetera.
You know it all.
So, if we don't get him three, urn,
call girls...
Sorry about the language, lord. I was...
I was trying to think of a nice way to put it, but
if we, if we
don't get them,
he will renege, the conference will collapse,
and the opportunity for agreement and harmony
and peace on earth,
well, in Europe anyway,
will be lost.
So, my question is,
which is the greater evil, oh, lord?
Is it really okay for me to authorise
procuring three little scrubbers for him to have sex with?
And I'm having trouble squaring that away.
Oh, oh, and, by the way,
if you do tell me to get him these girls,
what do we do with them afterwards? Do we give them honours?
I look forward to hearing from you
at your earliest convenience. Amen.
- Amen. - How was that?
Clear, respectful.
- Now what? - See if he answers.
Maybe that was it.
Don't be silly. A thunderstorm's been forecast since yesterday.
If it is God, he sounds angry.
Well, obviously. No way he'd approve.
Sea?
What I want to know is, if God does exist,
why does he run the world like the home office?
Claire, this is a serious problem.
I agree. So, let's find a serious way of tackling it.
We are trying prayer since we have no other ideas.
"Okay? " Okay!
Is God telling you to get hookers for mr Aitikeev or not.
I think what he's saying is,
"search your heart
"and find a way to do what's right."
That sounds like just the sort of thing he'd say.
Do you know what?
I see a way out of this hideous dilemma!
Thank you, God!
Are you all right?
God has given me an inspiration!
Why must they be British girls?
What?
Every time I have a meeting
with the women and equality unit, or justice for women,
they tell me there is a huge problem in our major cities
with sex trafficking.
Foreign girls brought over to London by the lorry load.
- So... - I see.
Get three of them.
No family. No one will miss them,
probably don't even speak English.
That's it. We get girls that don't speak English.
Then there's no way they can tell anyone anything.
We give them to Aitikeev tonight, deport them tomorrow.
It's done!
It's perfect!
What? How is that perfect?
What about human rights?
We protect our citizens. What is the matter with you?
We'd be sex slave traffickers ourselves.
Bernard, if some illegal immigrants
are having sex with Aitikeev, I'm sorry about it.
But if they're not British, they're not my problem.
Bernard, you really are being a little bit sentimental.
And none of this is my fault.
If you want to blame somebody, go and talk to mr Aitikeev.
But, no!
You won't do that!
Or come up with a better plan,
or shut up and get it done.
- I do not believe women are worthless. - What?
When did Jim say that?
I don't think women are worthless,
it was foreigners I was talking about.
Well, it seemed to me to be the implication of the whole discussion,
of everything the ambassador said.
And I, personally, am most reluctant to break the law
and procure three foreign women
for what seems to me an immoral purpose.
Immoral?
The future of Europe is at stake!
The money supply, mass unemployment...
I just think it's not right.
This is a moral dilemma that I really don't know how to address.
Are you refusing to cooperate?
Well, it's not as if...
Well... I mean...
Well, actually...
Yes, prime minister.